Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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