If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I'm just saying; the box truck will cost less then dorms or rent, and we can always crash where the party is.
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
so hungover i had to get off the train to puke, rallied and went to work. not sure if that's an adulting win or fail
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