Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
Randomize
