I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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