I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
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