I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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