Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Randomize
