Christians are straight up FREAKS
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
