I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Randomize
