omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
Randomize
