Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Ummm so does anybody remember me stopping to get my ear peirced last night and make an earring out of a staple? Or did I just somehow lay on this thing and ram it through my ear?
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
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