I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
