everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
Yea, remember to blow out the fire from flaming shots. Unless you want burnt lips. Just saying, I'm an example of ignorance and intoxication.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Lets get drunk and then you just wraps me into a present because that sounds like fun after the past 3 glasses of wine I drank
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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