You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Just smoked a bowl with the exterminator. I think my day is more productive.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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