Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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