I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
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