jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
The uberlube is also flammable
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
Randomize
