Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
