Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
