You can't motorboat a personality
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
