i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
