god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
