she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So I'm guessing that puking on a camper is a straight path to instant termination?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
