I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize
