I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
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