Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Probably twitter. Never underestimate a psycho girl with wifi
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
she's just been through a whole lot lately. When the crazy starts leaking out we give her vodka and lock her in the room with all the pillows.
so that's what that room is for...
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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