if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
If you're not peeing in public bi-monthly, you're not really living.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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