We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
