i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
