The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
