i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
VOOOODKA VOOODKA WE PLEDGE OUR LOVE TO THEEEE VODKAAAA VODKAAAA SAVIOR OF LIBERTYYYY
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
