i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
Hm. I declare blue a flavor.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
Everyone says I win the strip club
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
