As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
