Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
barbara walters just said penis...
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
