I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
