he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
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