gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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