OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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