I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Randomize
