there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
Randomize
