i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
