i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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