i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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