I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
