4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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