so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
Please advise as to how precisely ashamed I should be if I just became sexually aroused by a Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince preview
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Randomize
