I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I need a slap back to reality. Or at least a slap back to homosexuality
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
Randomize
