That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
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I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
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4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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