ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
