I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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