I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
