You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
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