Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
