He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
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While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
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You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
try to milk me bitch
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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