census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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